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iToilet / 3D & illustration / Flash animation / Choke the Chicken! / Jacko Game

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For years, Apple has proudly manufactured slow, unreliable, stupid looking computers and sold them at ridiculously high prices!

And with the recent unveiling of the new iMac, Steve Jobs had an idea.

"I have an idea!" he said. "Since most folks seem to think our new iMac is just a really really expensive desk lamp, maybe we should start manufacturing household appliances!"

Steve then danced around a bit, before adding "Hey! Since we're in the business of making crap, why not start with a toilet?!"

And so the iToilet was born. Apple fanatics the world over applauded the idea. Everyone else paid no attention.

Just think how cool you'll look when your friends see you sitting on the iToilet! It comes in a wide range of gaudy colours to complement your other tasteless, over the top Apple products!

* Well, if truth be told, Apple has yet to find a way to match the superiority and speed of the Pentium, but Steve Jobs insists that adding the second pipe makes the iToilet flush twice as fast (Hey, we added a second redundant processor to the G4 and nobody realised!)

Flushing made easy
It's not just your money that goes down the drain!

People with bog-standard (no pun intended) toilets have to pull a stupid chain when they want to flush. The Apple iToilet also has a chain, but try as you might, pulling it won't have any effect. We did the same thing with the eject button on the G4.

But flushing the iToilet is very easy! In fact, the flushing procedure will be very familiar if you've ever used an Apple computer, as it works in much the same way as ejecting a disc or deleting a file. Follow these simple steps for a first class ticket to flushing heaven:

STEP 1: Pick up the items you wish to dispose of (yes, really.)
STEP 2: Drag said items to the waste disposal area.
STEP 3: A message will pop up asking if you really want to delete the items. STEP 4: Click the yes button.
STEP 5: Wash your hands.

What if Things Go Wrong?

Apple iToilets, like Apple computers, are so well designed and reliable that nothing can possibly go wrong! Never! Never ever! *

*Okay, let's not delude ourselves here. We might not mention it in our advertising, but an iToilet user will frequently suffer every toilet user's nightmare: Clogging! This is an occurrence that is particularly common with the iToilet, and you will just have to put up with it! It's not our problem.

Clogging will happen at the most inconvenient of times.You will be happily going about your 'business' when all of a sudden you will be rudely interrupted by the following error message:

Stupid boring idiotic people who choose to use other cheap inferior toilets (such as the ridiculously fast Microsoft "Toilet 2000" or "Loo XP") have to unclog the old-fashioned way - by pressing the "unclog" button. We laugh in their faces because the procedure is just so much quicker and far more fun with the iToilet! To unclog, follow these simple instructions:

STEP 1: When the message box pops up telling you that the iToilet has clogged, simply click the restart button in the dialogue box. Keep clicking this button until you realise that it won't do anything anyway because the iToilet has totally frozen and is not responding. Proceed to Step 2

STEP 2: Press and hold the following keys on your iToilet keypad: Ctrl+Shift+Alt+Command+Esc.
This doesn't do anything either, so proceed to Step 3.

STEP 3: Restart your iToilet by inserting a straightened paperclip into the restart pin-hole. This is located in a hard to reach place at the back of the iToilet. The paperclip will break and get stuck in the pin-hole, invalidating your warranty. Proceed to step 4.

STEP 4: Carefully lift the toilet seat. Close it, then lift it again. Nothing will happen. Proceed to Step 5.

STEP 5: Place your hand in amongst the muck that is clogging up the pipe.

STEP 6: Simply feel around for another tiny pin-hole which is also hidden away in a difficult to reach place and push another straightened paper clip firmly into the pin hole. Because you have your hand submerged in water and are touching metal you will be electrocuted.
This is not Apple's problem and we insist that the pin-holes are a good design feature and are part of our "Think Different" policy. You might want to have a look at "Apple Care" which now includes life insurance (please note that death by electrocution is not covered.) Proceed to Step 7.

STEP 7: The iToilet will suddenly restart by itself for no apparent reason, and even though you are "bursting to go" you must wait patiently for it to load (this is really really really slow when compared to other toilets, but hey, the iToilet looks funky and there's a cute little smiley face for you to look at when it starts up!) Once the iToilet has (finally) loaded it will still be clogged. Wash your hands and proceed to Step 8.

STEP 8: Proceed to Step 1.

A toilet to be proud of.

We hope we have convinced you that you can't possibly go wrong with an Apple iToilet. Apple is dedicated to creating user-friendly products that are good value for money*

*Please note that unlike other toilets, the iToilet is not compatible with toilet paper (which is an outdated item according to Steve Jobs.)

Also, your initial $2500 iToilet purchase only includes the toilet bowl. Other items like the toilet seat, chain and pipes are sold separately at $700 each. Apple considers these items as 'non-essential' (just like the 'non-essential' items not included with the G4 such as a monitor, floppy drive or software for the DVD burner to write data DVD's)

Also, please note that an iToilet cannot be installed in a bathroom

For more information regarding the iToilet contact Electric Chicken:
ruffledfeathers@electric-chicken.co.uk

iToilet spoof advert written by Stephen Murray. March 2002. iToilet rendered images designed and modelled by Stephen Murray. The iToilet has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with Apple.
It is a joke (you knew that right?) and is not meant to offend.